. never meant to belong,,

Gomen;

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 00:58:45 GMT

I'll always remember, before I forget.
G o o d b y e ;

My current obsession song.

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 05:21:19 GMT

You know, there is so many different lyrics I had found based on this song. Only ONE caught my attention. I felt this is just perfect. Might not be exactly what she had said in the anime of japanese version. [I love love love the japanese version xD] Though this is really sweet.. For you baby <3

I run away
I'm closing off my heart to the world
Apologies-- I guess I can't do anything
You never stay
And I know it's because you're afraid
How can we heal if you won't let us share our pain?

I can't leave, my life is just so empty without you
So I will stay with you, and I will try to live
On the lonely rail

That's why I'll follow you forever
Even if I never see anything but your agony
Because you shine through the darkness that has swallowed the world
Now that the future is approaching
Weakness is encroaching
But I won't let that destroy my soul
I'll do it my way, and that means I am with you
I love you so 'God Bless!"

I feel alive whenever I can look in your eyes
It melts away the anguish of reality
I can't accept that I may never see you again
I do not need to justify me lovin' you!

So for now, I will indulge your need for delusions
So we will chase a dream, and then I'll find a cure
For your lonely heart!

Just stop it! Lying gets us nowhere
I'll make sure we get there
You just sit back and look in my eyes
And see the future
And know that I am always prepared
So if it's not what we expected
You will be protected from the cruel hands of our destiny
And that is my wish, so that means I'll get stronger
Though how only god knows...

You are here with me, and I am here you
We're out here all alone—the world has turned away from us
We can't erase the past and that is why this fleeting dream will never last
But we will try to pull through!

And that is why I will follow you forever
Even if I never see anything but your agony
Because you shine through the darkness that has swallowed the world
Now that the future is approaching
Weakness is encroaching
But I won't let that destroy my soul
I'll do it my way, and that means I am with you
I love you so 'God Bless!"

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:11:30 GMT

Hyo hyo hyo.. You indeed are my hero, you know that right? Thanks to Hyo, Jack and Steph. I think I came to more of a understanding. Esp by what Hyo had said to me. It hit me pretty hard.

"I expected this from you.. Listen up, It's a normal thing for us humans to become jealous of one another on the simplest things. People love each other that much. Understand though, this is where trust needs to come into action. However, trust and confidence is needed within yourself and your loved one. Your hearts belong to one another. It is needed not ,to care about whats being said, until something had been done, thats when you can step in and complain about things. Don't jump to conclusions until something HAD happen. You understand me right, Nami?" --Taken from message on Nami and Hyo profile.

He's absolutely correct.. So I just wanted to say a few things to some people.

Jack, thank you so much for listening to me bitch and whine. Although I still think of myself horrible--I know one thing though, you're not. You're such a good guy, Jack. Everyone knows it. <3

Steph, Thanks for the talk missy.. I hope things goes well for your situation too!

Hyo, I swear, you can say the most hurt-fullest things to me, but I think long and hard about it, and you're always right. I envy you, you always seem to know how to make things better and knock some damn senses into my head. You're such a great friend. <3

Most of all, I'm sorry to Jose. I put you through a lot.. I know I do, and I'm so damn sorry. Facts are, I did do lots of horrible things... I'm not worthy but you still love me and I'm thankful for that.. I didn't mean to make things hard on you, I'm sorry I rawred at you about you know what.. You know how I am hun. I'm a really messed up person, but you accept me for that... I would never doubt you or your love for me.. Please... Understand that.. &Understand one thing, Love and friends, close friends are all different things okay? I LOVE YOU. You're my boyfriend, my life. Others are my friends or really close friends..

I'll try not to be so Jealous.. Just like how I can't change who you talk to and you can't for me--Just need to learn to understand it. You guys are friends.. I take your word for it. So take mines when I say the same, okay?

Thats all.. I'm sorry if this doesn't even make sense... I'm just writing as words comes to my mind...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 05:25:42 GMT

I know I shouldn't be up late--Jose told me not too.. But it can't be helped. I was talking to my oldest brother about an important issues--and waited on Nana's call and missed it by mistake. I called her back but she didn't pick up. [Shrugs] Oh well--I'll beat her up for it later. xD Moving onwards.. I've been feeling, stressed out as of late. I mean Yippy I have a change in time for school. I get to sleep more! Thats not the case though. Let me explain more clearly.

School is like chewing me out and giving me hell. Well, what can I say, I deserve it. If I had not screwed up as bad last year and the year before--I wouldn't be in this situation. I have regents I need to take care off-- then the SAT's in which I want to get a good score on. OHHH thats not just it--I need 30 hours of community service too. It sounds easy--but I'm not done yet. So because I have missing credits, and I NEED to make them up in order to graduate on time with my friends.. I decided I must do as told--switch to a new program that would help me do that. I wont attend school with my friends anymore, I start at 2pm till 7:30pm. That sucks as holy damn hell.

I am swamped with work.. They gave me tons of projects to do for make up credit, and on top of that each day is one subject FLAT. But I have to say--it sounds rather good when I explain how the day goes by. 2pm is when I must arrive. Teacher comes in at 3pm. Thats an hour gap. class will start--and at 5 will be when we have lunch. 6 is when we go back to class. [WHOOP another hour gap!] So yes, from there--6 till 7:30. <--I'll be out and free at last!! It sounds easy, but the class seems a bit long--especially when I hardly know anyone there.. Then we have work to do in class--plus the projects I need to do.. Its like ugh..

So yeah, not being able to see my friends much either is like a smack in the face to me. But what's worst... It not being able to speak to Jose as much as I had before.. THAT.. Is like a stab in the heart. It really hurts.. Especially when I'm so used to talking to him for like maybe 3-4 hours online when I get home from school--then an hour on the phone from 9-10pm.. Then off to bed I go... IT wont be like that anymore.. It kills me when I think about it, it really does.. Since I get out at 7:30--I get home around 8-8:30 the latest. Soooo online time, CUT... 9PM comes around and finally... FINALLY.... I get to speak to him on the phone... For only an hour..

I tried, I tried so damn hard to hide it from him and not cry.. But I ended up breaking down on the phone with him tonight cause I couldn't help it--and it's only been one day so far, and it hurts as holy hell. I don't want this.. My education is important; thats why I did it, but he is important too.. So it hurts.. Before I was in this program, I was actually going to all my classes, I passed every damn one of them, I Felt so motivated because Jose was telling me to do good, and I always looked forward to come home and talk to him. Telling him about my day, showing I went to school; and show I did good.. But now I felt like I lost it all, because of my stupid damn self for screwing up; I end up in this damn situation...

Haha... Back to breaking down every night!... Isn't that fucking grand...? I could almost stab myself right now, because thats how it fucking feels anyways. I think I'ma be a bit cranky more now because of this.. So please forgive me everyone--and I hope you can deal with my shit if I get bitchy with you... I'm so sorry if I do, and I apologize now before it happens... Bleh..

@_@;

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:01:53 GMT

Alright so I have NO clue on whats been going on--and apparently Jack left.. Which.. I'm not too sure what had happen for him to do that. We promised each other not to leave each others side--but you left, and all I'm wishing is for your happiness. I do wish for you to come back--but this isn't MY choice to make. Cause real friends wont force upon your return, only want for your happiness to be there and let you do what would make you happy. No, I'm not saying for everyone to not want Jack back, I'm just saying let Jack do what he wants--let him cool off. Let him breathe. Give him some time--I'm sure he'll return. I sure as hell believe in that.

Do what makes you happy Jack, Just remember I'm here waiting for your return with open arms. I'm sure others are as well.

--------------------------------------------

As for another thing... School has been a huge deal in my case. I'm packed, and right now I can't deal with any more stress and E-drama. I need to focus on MY EDUCATION.. I've been getting way too side-tracked for way to long--I need to get back into School wise thinking and do my shit so I can graduate on time.. I really need to. So, I'm thinking really hard what to do. Thanks to Mindee and my other friend Cloud, I already thought up something good to do. Have not put it into action yet--but it will happen sooner or later.. Thats all for now. BAI!

WHOOSH!

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 21:27:09 GMT

Okay so no more he said she said stuff anymore! Me and Jack made up--and I don't give two shits on what anyone says anymore. If I hear something; I'll just go to first sources.. You hear something, come to me.

So I don't plan on deleting or blocking anyone--so if anyone has anything to say, do tell me on MSN. I'm always here. I'm not here to start trouble.

Jack! Im sorry, and I can say it over and over again.
Trust you always, believe in you always. You're always my friend, and I'll never hate you. REMEMBER THAT, NEVER.
Friends forever? <3

OKAY, you people READ.

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:02:01 GMT

I just want to make a few things clear. This whole E-Drama that is currently going on at this very moment--DO NOT drag me or Jose into this shit. We had nothing to do with it--we don't even know what was going on in the first place. Jack, Ginger, I really hope ya'll get this shit solve, which I highly doubt. Though I still wish for it. Soi, as for you--although you made a huge mistake thinking that shit was written by me, thats one fucked up shit you said. I don't open my fucking mouth about you--so don't you do that shit with me either. Nor point fingers, get your facts straight, and then talk. I don't like that shit. IF I had something to say, I'll gladly say it straight up to you on MSN or even message. I'm not afraid of E-drama or real drama. If I wanted to speak up, I'll be sure to speak my mind without hiding behind a computer. Everyone knows, even YOU, I'm straight up. I had always came up to you and told what's needed to be told, and hesitated not one bit. So don't drag me into shit and call me names such as slut, whore and all that. I do think you very much owe me a apology for that. I spoke to Ginger about this situation already--though I still feel upset that you, Soi, would go run your mouth and say shit about me. Not cool.

I tried very much to stray away from Drama. Though somehow it comes right to me when I have no fucking clue whats going on--and I'm gettng pretty fed up with this. I mean hell, now there is shit saying Jose flipped out on Jack?? Are you serious? Jose would not flip on Jack nor insult him. We will shortly have the chat log being shown to give full proof of that. I will not tolerate anyone talking/spreading trash about me or Jose. WILL NOT. Get a fucking life you people who spread rumors. If you got something to say, say that shit straight up. I'm tired, and this is pushing me to a limit. Once I get this all solved, I will be deciding what I plan to do on this case. &What I plan, I bet half would be upset, half would be glad, and some wont give a shit. Though you know what, I'm FED UP. Honestly. Thats all.

Dear Diary, [IC, Rukia]

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:12:07 GMT

So it seems that me and Gin-sama couldn't keep away from each other no longer than a day. Thanks to Kaien-dono as well, Me and Gin-sama made up. I suppose a few good things are just popping up one by one. Seeing the care from my true friends, working things out with Gin-sama.. OH.. Another this for today as well. I bet Gin-sama would be glad to hear this--and Kaien-dono as well. A certain thing happen today--which made my answer clear about my injury on my leg. I was told before, or even just facts, that if it continues to make a certain sound... My leg would get worst--but it doesn't make that sound anymore! It had completely stopped, and believe me, I know its totally gone. I can feel it, and see when from when I walk. So yes, thats the good news, obviously, my leg is now perfectly fine! It wont get any worst! I wonder how Gin-sama and Kaien-dono would feel and say when they find this out! :3

-Kuchiki Rukia.

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:51:52 GMT

I escaped from Moonbase Kawaiixkg!

I killed Swtlilqtj the nutrivend drinks machine, Drownedinsugar the tribble and Xxxarc Angelxxx the cleaning droid.
I salvaged the Log of the USS Xmorninqstarx, a Z-OFFI-2500 supercomputer and 43 galacticredits.

Score: 168

Explore Moonbase Kawaiixkg and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own space adventure...

Just something random since I saw it in Kiki's LJ. Seems like I beat Kiki's score. :3

Anyhow.. I just wanted to thank CICI for her comment on my last entry... Made me feel slightly better... Though I'm still losing myself.. I cried like hell last night.. After I hung up off the phone with him--wait.. A bit before that.. I couldn't hold it in much more--since I was already crying in the first place.. After we hung up, I tried to stop myself from crying, but I just couldn't stop. I had to calm down, since I didn't want anyone in my house to hear me crying. [Hopefully no one did..] After I realized I wasn't going to stop crying any time soon, I jumped into the showers and took a nice hot shower to try to calm down. After about a hour in the shower, my crying calmed down some--still crying, obviously.. Jose didn't do anything wrong.. It's just me.. I can't handle being away from him, I feel like I'd go insane.. I know the saying goes, "If you really loved someone, you can handle the wait." No, I love him so damn much, that I can't STAND it, even not talking to him for a day. It kills me. My mood swings is getting worst.. I'm starting to take it out on him, getting angry when it's not even what I wish to do.. I love him.. Hopefully he knows that, reguardless of my harsh and cold actions I do towards him.. No matter how many times I tell him I wish for a break, or even say I don't want to talk to him. It's really the other way around.. There's something wrong with me, I know there is.. I learned that when I'm like this, I just wished to be either understood by someone, and be handled a certain way.. Although it isn't easy, since once I'm like this, I start to push away everyone around me and drown myself in sorrow, alone..

Maybe I do need that time away.. And I'll be doing that, starting now. I've said it so many times, but never had the power to do it. This time... Without any of you stopping me, I'll go away for awhile.. Will I be back..? I don't even know... I really don't.. I'm sorry everyone... I'm sorry, Jose.... You must be upset at me..

Sighs..

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 00:18:21 GMT

I'm slowly falling apart again.. I'm starting to randomly cry.. God.. I'm like.. crying right now even.. I miss Jose, so much.. So damn much it hurts.. I want to see him, I want to be able to be in his arms, I want to feel his embrace, the taste of his lips against mines.. When I think about it.. I can't help but just cry... Looking at how all I can do is type out "I love you" to him, tell him on the phone I love him.. But it isn't the same as saying I love you to his face... It just hurts so much.... I can't stand it.. When I'm out with my sister, seeing her with Julio, hugging each other and kissing... Playing around... Seeing that... makes me so sad although I try my best to hide it.. I can't stop crying.. I really can't.. It hurts so much.. I wanna be with him.. I'm feeling so hurt that I just wanna end this pain by being gone.. Disappear.. Just.. end my pain... Why did I fall so hard this time.. I told myself, over and over again.. Never fall so hard for someone.. Esp if its long distance... Cause it'll only hurt me.. Though obviously, I fell hard for Jose... &I love him so damn much.. I wonder how the hell do I even survive days, weeks without seeing him... Maybe its cause I cry everynight to make myself feel better?.. This drove me to the point of me having major mood swings... I guess crying it out does helps... But my eyes are becoming sore.. I'm crying way too much... and I can't help it.. I can hardly sleep.. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even doing the best I can for him... Sometimes I feel... Selfish.. That I'm expecting so much out of him.. Yet I do the same shit though I bitch at him for it... Im losing myself... I wish I could just... forget this pain.... I want this to pain to go away..... I hate it... I just... don't know... anymore..

[IC; TIFA.]

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 16:10:02 GMT

Working at the 7th heaven bar is so stressing. It's annoying to get hit on by so many drunk old mans. Everyone's been so busy.. I haven't seen Cloud in so long-- Aerith is off in her world having fun with Zack. Even Zack doesn't talk to me much!.. Its sad.. Whats good is I got a call from Reno. Seems like he's coming back. I'm so glad. I missed his silliness so much. Although he makes me want to punch him at times.. I still do love him.. But shhh~!... Thats all for now..

-Tifa.

Dear Diary;

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 22:37:41 GMT

So.. Gin-sama and I got into a little play fight. Being our silly selves obviously thats how we are. I got my hits here and there.. Though Gin-sama won. At the end I realized a pain on my leg. Only cause I wasn't careful.. Gin-sama blames himself for the injury.. But I know it's not his fault. Its both ours and mainly myself.. I went on my way back some, thankfully no one was home.. But I knew Kaien-dono was near at his office. I sat in my room thinking to myself.. It'll be okay, I mean, its only a bit pain in my leg, how bad can it be? I called Yachiru, told her about what happen; and it seems that it could become worst. I was a bit shocked; I mean, how can it be possible.. I thought it was just a little leg pain.. She explained to me the serious problem that can occure dued to it; and I tried to stay normal. She told me to not worry; it was only a small chance that it can get worst. Hopefully it wont.

Gin-sama called me later that day. I could tell from his voice he was worried. I explained to him what Yachiru had told me, seems like I only worried him more that way.. I tried to assure Gin-sama it'll be okay.. Although inside I was afraid of the fact there was still a chance of my injury getting worst.. I tried to calm Gin-sama down.. Then told him to go to bed and not think to much on such a small problem. After awhile I thought to myself more. I mean.. God, how can this happen? It's not like he broke my leg or anything, he just hurted it some. But it doesnt change the fact that I wasn't more careful as well! It started getting late.. I decided to go have a talk with Kaien-dono. Maybe if im slick; I can talk around the bushes and get a answer out of him without him knowing what happen. I walked as normal as possible to Kaien-dono's room. Pushing the door aside and came into his room. There stood Kaien-dono.

I asked him a question, as slick as possible, but I failed. Kaien-dono could read me like a book. He knew something was wrong and became worried. He then asked me for the truth. How can I lie to him? I trust him too much to lie.. From there me and Kaien-dono had a long talk.. I started to see more and more that Kaien-dono was so worried, him lecturing me and assuring me he would be there for me.. I do not wish to worry Kaien-dono so much. Troubling him with my own problems.. Kaien-dono Im sure has his own to deal with, I feel guilty for getting him so woried about me.. I want Kaien-dono to smile and be happy; rather then worried about my petty matters.. But I trust no other, Kaien-dono is whom I trust most.

Hinamori-san was worried, but I dare not to tell her.. I just couldn't do it.. Hopefully she'll forgive me.. In the end, Kaien-dono told me to go rest up and take care of myself. Assuring me once more of his care for me, which made me want to cry and just run into his arms for a warm embrace. I feel so safe being near him. He's taken good care of me and still has. Remembering what he has told me made me smile through the pain and worry. No one but Kaien-dono and Gin-sama can do that for me.. I want to thank Kaien-dono so much, for worrying and caring for me.. I can feel his support from no matter where im at just by his simple words.. I'll always love Kaien-dono. He's the sweetest man and strongest like Gin-sama. They deserve happiness. Not a person like myself in thier life..

Why do I always worry others..? Why do I hurt them, why..?. I wish I could just disappear.. Run away where no one can find me ever again..

-Kuchiki Rukia;

Thank you..

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 02:18:47 GMT

Happy 5 months Jose.. <33
I love you..

&I just wanted to thank Jack. For always being there for me.. Thank you so much..
Only you and Jose understands me best.. [Aside from Kai..]

I love you guys.. <33

o9.13.07;

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:19:06 GMT

Today, I went to go visit Jose.
I'm sooo tired to explain right now about how our day went..
Maybe tomorrow I'll write about it...
But it was like perfect. To me; the best day I ever had..
I loved every moment of it...

I'll just say one thing though..
After he and Donny dropped us off at the train.
When I got inside and sat down....
Prehaps like 15 mins into the ride;
I broke down and started crying silently to myself.

I love him, so much.
Anyone can say what they want;
Thinking what they want; Saying...
'It's just puppy love, and maybe she loves him but not in love.'
To me, I love him&in love. But you can think what you want.

I'm not going to let people thoughts and saying get to me.
As much as it hurts me and bothers at times;
I know how I feel; and thats that.
Maybe to others it might not seem that way;
But I dont care.

Babeh, I just wanted to say..
I know we been though a lot;
We both got lots of pressure on us.
We can make it; I know we can.
I'm sorry if I ever get bitchy.

I know I'm not the strongest girl;
I can't handle pressure and stress that well..
I tend to cry so much and then say things I don't mean..
You know how I am hun; you know how I act....
I know it hurts when I say things out of anger; but I know you understand me.

Just know; I love you more then ever.
More than anything in this freakin' world.
For the first time; in so damn long...
I fell hard for him.... I love him so much; it hurts.
I don't want pity; I just want my real friends to be there for me.

For my world; Jose.. To stay strong, like i'm trying...

-Ruru-Chan [Aya.Sama]

x.x..

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 22:15:10 GMT

I'm seeing way to many "I <3 NY, I <3 BRONX, PR.." Blah blah shirts. It was like all over the school. Everywhere I went; SOMEONE was wearing it. I'm like geez.. I understand that you like it.. Its just so annoying seeing it everywhere I look. Ugh, lol.. But whatever. Class was half boring and half fun. But I know its going to get more work and busy as time passes. [Sighs.]

I got home--It was HOT.. I got bored and fixed up my hair all reatarded. Yet it came out nice and my mom and everyone was like "Do you like; have make up on or something?" I just was like "What..? I don't wear make up. I'm not wearing make up. Only eyeliner. o.o.." And they all started saying crap on how I look different from them and pretty and such. Then I just out of the blue cut them off and like posed while flicking my hair and said, "I'M THE NEXT TOP MODEL." And we all cracked up. Nah; I know I'm not that good looking for modeling and such. Although everyone tells me to do it; I wont. Its just 1.Not my thing. 2.I'm fat lol. 3.I'm not.. model looking o.o.. I'll stick with Graphic designing, thanks. :D

So I might be going to China Town in a few. I might go get Jose's gift today. Then go to his place tomorrow.. Though I'm not sure if I'll be able to go tomrrow; and if I can even go tomorrow and Thursday.. I want to go as much as I can.. Before School starts getting crazy and such.. To the point where I'll get so busy. Not to mention; I'm planning to help my sister out by giving her like 10 bucks each month for using her phone at times. 1.Since I DO use it at times, free time or mins. I still use it. 2.Most of my friends are stored in her phone; and hell I think I use it more then she does. 3.It would help her out a lot if I did that. Hell I would even pay half if only I could. But she said 10 bucks is still really helpful; and she's happy that I agreed to it. 10 bucks isn't a lot. Plus; as long as I'm helping her; I'm glad to do it. It wouldn't be fair for me using it for free. I should even be glad she lets me use it you know? Plus; cause of this; I MIGHT be able to take it with me to places once in awhile if she wont be using it. SO GUYS. Ask for teh number and call meee. LAWLS. Though I got most of ya'll numbers already. But yes; feel free to call and ask for me now. :D

BUT HOW IS YOUR HEALTH, AYA!?

It's been alright. Yesterday I actually felt okay. Like; no crying and the breathing seem to be perfectly fine yesterday. I didn't feel SO stressed out. So thats a good thing.. Obviously my health is going to go nuts the moment emo hits me. &I think it's getting better..[Since im feeling slightly happy.] But I'm strong, I can handle it. Knowing my friends and Jose is there for me; that makes me feel even more safe and happy. So don't worry about me people; Your dear Ruru will be fine!. As for my eating problems.. Its still the same. But at least im trying more and more to eat. So be happy for that losers. :3 Thats all for now; LOVE YA.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:06:56 GMT

You know what certain people needs to understand? This livejournal thing is a LIVE JOURNAL. Don't spazz over the fact someone comments you with their opinion. You talk about how people needs to read at their own risk; little do you know and let me repeat ... This is a LIVE JOURNAL. You're putting it out there; showing it to everyone; allowing people to comment read; and obviously you're just asking for it. If you're so tired and like blabbing over how others express their opinion about your entry [Like they should if they wanna since its optional?] Then get a REAL Journal and go kill yourself by writing it all in there. We have a opinion about speaking up for ourselves when we read it. Is that wrong? No it isn't. Thats why it says 'COMMENT.' DUR DUR.. 'Read at your own risk' I think obviously.. We took the risk in reading it; and we can't complain? You're not god; so we can, as well as you; do what we feel.

Then again, let me just NOT involve myself in this. No reason to bother in a problem that has nothing to do with me. Oh; and like; I can write what I want cause like... Its a journal. My Journalll.
SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK BABY.

On to more important matters in my own damn life.. I'm going to go visit Jose next week. Since I obviously can't go on his birthday.. It's on a school day and thats lots of risks himself and I have to take if I wanna go there. So yes; next week, I'll get to beat you up and run into your arms. Hahaha; just thinking about it makes me wish it was tomorrow. xD

Oh, I just wanted to say...

Don't worry about me babeh.. I'll be fine. My coughing seems to have gone away. The breathing problem only seems to act up once I get emo or start to cry or wanting to cry. I'll be fine though. I got through it. So it isn't anything to worry about. &My eating problems... Don't feel so worried. At least its making me lose weight. o.o.. Anyhow; I can't simply force myself to eat; I'll just wanna throw up. Doctors; Thats a straight up no. Now about drinking.. It wont become a habit. I mean yes I continue to wish I had drinks in my house so I can feel better.. But I wont be drinking every night. So.. DON'T WORRY. Just have faith in me that I'll be okay. Stay by my side.. Thats all I really need.. <333

-Ruru.Chan.

Stressed.

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 19:30:33 GMT

This isn't how I wish to be; but it's gotten to me; and killing me slowly.

Oh.. Lawd..

So school started as most knows.. The moment I got home yesterday; my dad started to bitch at me for the randomest things. My mom; quickly joined in and lectured me about school and being on the laptop. Saying how she planned on taking it away since I need to work hard in school. I know; I know I freaking need to do my shit in school this year. I get it; and I understand. Yes; I fucked up; Yes I might not graduate on fucking time. But I'm going to TRY.. I feel so damn pressured.. &When I feel pressure; its hard for me to concentrate correctly. I know my parents wants the best; my sisters wants the best; everyone is expecting so much out of me and I can't take it. It's very.. Stressing. Can't you understand that?? Sarin slightly made me feel so much better; saying how she'll be in charge of the laptop and making sure I do my things before letting me on. At least from that; I know I'll able to use the laptop and its motavation for me to do my work and homework.

So now; another thing.. Now that school started; obviously both me and Jose will be pretty busy with our school works.. Going to school; doing homework; studying; working on projects.. It's like our time will basically be cut in half to nothing with us being able to talk to each other.. Knowing that made me even more depressed. When I started to think more and more into that; I started to feel weak and needy. Wanting him her for me; wanting to be in his arms; I started to miss him already even though I'm talking to him. Eventually; I felt like a breakdown can come easily at any moment for me.. I started to have trouble breathing.. It's getting pretty hard for me to breath now.. Not to mention; I can hardly eat. When I eat; I only feel like throwing up right after, causing me to not even finish my own food.. I don't know whats wrong with me.. This I know for a fact is going to be a night thing. Where I slowly break down more and more inside.. Each time night comes its way.. The morning and afternood I'll appear to be fine, but its always the night time.. I've had this problem before; but this time I can tell its going to be worst then the last time. Am I worried; hell yeah I am. I even drank a bit last night and it felt good to drink. I'm scared im going to constinly wanna drink in order to calm myself down. I can't even sleep. When I go to rest to fall asleep; it isn't till like a hour later I realize I'm still awake and not sleeping. I end up sleeping possibly within another hour or a half..

I hate this; and I know its going to worry Jose because I'm like this.. I know im not the only on taking it hard; and hell it might seem like im over reacting... But this is how I get; when I feel pressured; knowing that I wont be able to talk to the one I love most in my life.. I can't.. calm down.. It's hard.. I tell myself I'll get used to it; tell others I will; Tell Jose.. But honestly.. I doubt it.. It'll be days where I'll just end up crying like fucking hell at night; or days I'll have trouble breathing and dying for something to calm it down. [Even breathing deeply doesn't help; maybe only a little bit.] Possibly even a mixture of both. From that I even start to get small headaches.. But I rather have headaches then eating problems; break downs and problems breathing.. I don't wanna go to the doctors and be like 'HEY IM STRESSED OUT AND HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING.' The hell would my mom think knowing im like this? It'd be even more hell for me when she questions me.. I'm dying inside.. I'm so glad I even have friends to keep me going good during the day.. And Jose.. To talk to for awhile.. Cause I'd be even worst without that..

[Sighs] I don't know what to do...

Wow..

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 19:26:16 GMT

SCHOOL

Okay so my first day back in school was.. Strange. I got another math class. Which is a class inbetween Math A and Math B. I'm like WTF. WHY DO I HAVE THIS. IM IN MATH B BIOTCHES.I passed the damn Math A; I shouldn't be here!! xD.. My Sci prp teacher seem cool; Gym class with one of the meanest gym teachers.. Saw my old Gym teacher and he like grinned at me. In my head I was all like "OMGOSH NO, I WANNA BE IN YOUR CLASS AGAIN D:" Everyone says he's mean too; but me and him gets along fine! [Flash back to when he kept saying put more weight. lawls.] Then my USH, same teacher from last year.. He was all like.. "Lysa..." And just stared at me and looked away. ;~; Thank god I have Chris in that class with me. :D Then my English class; I don't know how I got into it if I didn't take the regents.. But Im hoping to keep that class cause it seems fun. The fact the subject we'll be working on is 'battle of the sexes.' Hell yeah. I got LOTS to say on that subject!! So.. I guess I got a lot of things to change up and switch around. [Sighs.] Not to mention I got no lunch period. [Funny thing is, they changed up the lunch room and it looks so fucking pretty. Like hot. Yet, I have no lunch. Fucking grand isn't it?] At least I got to see my homies again. I saw Kai and J in the lunch room in the morning waiting to go to class. I ran over all crazy and was like, "JANELLLLLL THAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" That was funny. I missed them lots. <3

====================================

LIFE

So things been pretty good. Its like; I'm down and stressed then bam; flew back to happiness! Thanks to Friends keeping me sane; and Jose for keeping me loved and cared for. <3 I'll write more later.. :3

Lawls. xD

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 14:59:13 GMT

Reminds you of someone? Blahaha.

Alright, so I pretty much just wanted to say. This E-Drama wont end. Only cause Ms.E-drama likes to go on and pretend to be innocent. Thats fine. We ALL know, I usually keep to myself when drama like this appears.. I dislike E-drama. &I don't bash unless its personally a problem between me and a person. I only decided to step in, cause it's getting more silly when each day passes. Plus, the original problem was already passed over.. But, as always.. She gotta make a new problem so that she'd have something to rant on, and make herself look innocent like. &Guess what? I didn't even bash her, though she conciders it bashing.. Mm.. It must have really gotten to her brains and got her worked up if she wrote a entry about it saying im tryin' to bash her? Then say she doesn't know who it is but sounds like Rukia.. Hmm.. Ruru. Doesn't everyone know Ruru is me? Ruru=Rukia. I'm pretty damn sure I had "-Ruru" at the very end.. God maybe I should take a picture too to show it. Lawls. The whole crew calls me it, YES. Ah well, guess people who are too full of themselves doesn't read correctly. Please, don't make yourself look more of a fool by tryin' to play innocent, when everyone knows the real deal. I'm not bashing, if I wanted to, I would. You're just not worth the time to BASH on. It's a waste of time bashing on someone who can't even understand simple words.

Will you make another entry on me and say "Oh Rukia had wrote a lj entry about me? she knows nothing about me and still trying to 'bash' on me" Please, flatter me missy. I'll be glad to see what else false things you wanna type out for the world and your friends to read. You're not fooling anyone. You're only being ridiculous. People like that needs to grow up. [Shrugs.] As long as the people you're tryin' to fool knows the real deal, I can just sit back and enjoy the lovely show of 'The fool pretending to play innocent' . Oh I'm on msn too. Wanna take a go at me? Come IM me. But I'll only respond to you If you're mature enough to talk things out.

Enough said.
========================================
EDIT - On to the regular things.

Oh god, I found myself obsessed with Asian Kung-Fu Generation, AGAIN. The song Kimi to lu hana & Rewrite is fucking awesome. I can't stop singing both songs. <3 Freakin' Jose man. He's making the fan girl status on AKFG come out of me again. @_@.. I LOVE AKFG. I love you too Jose. >_>;; Lawls. <3 The video os Kimi to lu hana is so dizzy. Also because of that video, each time I hear the song I just wanna skip along and kick around like that guy did lololol. Then Rewrites video was weird, but I think the most normal out of all that I've seen. God, thier old song which I wont say, the video creeps me out. But the song sounds awesome if you listen to it. :D My obsession is switching around like nuts. Though I think when it comes to AKFG, it'll be on that for awhile. Cause they are awesome, and they ARE my fav. JRock band. :3

Oh oh, I felt all jolly inside earlier in the day yesterday. I gots to talk to Jose on the phone for a longgg time. :D Well somewhat. Being all random and planning a mission impossible. LAWL. I went to the arcades as well, and had fun playing ITG and DDR Super Nova. Oh, not to forget, the punching bag thing. Lovely. China Town Fair, Love the place but crazy people. xD

-Ruru-chan [Aya.sama;]

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:34:20 GMT

So.. I dont wanna throw my 2 cents into a drama thats somewhat dying out. [Or so I think.] SO I'll just keep my words to myself. But I'll just say one thing.. If I find out anyone is still running their mouths on my man or any of my friends, Do know, I'll be stepping in &It'll be hell. But if Jose is saying something, before running your mouth, be a grown up and tell him directly he needs to stop. Like uhmm.. Take it to msn? Hahah. Anyways moving along..

School is coming, and im like going nuts. I don't wanna go back yet! My program seems weird.. But hopefully I'll live. Only 7 classes, with no lunch. x.x.. I start early, 7:30 am and get out around 1-ish. That seems good right? xD OH and im so getting back into Hip hop thanks to a certain someone. DAMN HIM. LOL.. I'm like, stuck listening to 'Take it slow' and 'I'm a flirt'. [Mainly I'm a flirt..] I was watching tv.. Then I heard someone outside blasting out 'Im a Flirt' in their car. I was like. "I'M A FLIRT!" And started to spazz in my house. My sister was like. "You like that song?" And I said yeah, we cracked up cause she likes it too. HAHAHA. God. What happen to me!? Don't worry, I'm still your asian jpop/rock chick though! <3~ Oh yes, Jose's birthday is coming up soon! I can't think of what to get him. ;~;.. I can't wait till my birthday either. Since like, it's on our 7 months together. Haha <3

Role playing might be slow, since I know Ima be busy as holy hell with school. I need to work my ass off this year. >.<;; Darn.. Bleh.. All the good teachers left this year. SHIT.

Okay now moving along to the dramatic stuff-ish. I've been well, but I've been having lots on my mind as well.. Its like.. I don't know.. One moment im all happy with nothing on mind bothering me. Then the next, Something is, and its random things that I thought I pushed aside. It's like WTH why did I have to think about it again. Just go awayyyyy. I'm honestly really happy with Jose. Lots of people say we're like perfect for each other, which makes me smile. <3 Then they also say if we ever break up they'd kill us. Haha. SCARYY. And its not just my friends, its his too. Silleh people.

Well thats all for now. When I have more things to say, i'll either edit or write another entry. PEACE OUT. :D

-Ruru-Chan [Aya.sama;]

Ghey.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:11:42 GMT

Humans make me laugh, and giggle in joy. E-drama is getting more lame by the moment. Which im totally glad I removed myself from lots of people. I do not wish to get pulled into drama that 973975728x people just entered in when it had nothing to do with them what so ever. I don't really care if someone is going to read my entery and get all dramatic like and be like 'OMG LYSA WROTE SHIT. LETS RANT ON HER' Do you, I don't really give a fuck. I'll most likely now, just laugh. o_o;; But moving along, stop the shit, who cares. Get over yourself, get over this e-drama bull. Grow up, please. I understand people get Jealous, and rant on. I guess thats fine, but just as how certain people sticks up their nose into everyones ass to stick up for their friends, we'll do the same, no?

People having problems with my man and Manda. Just back the fuck off. Seriously.
Same goes otherwise to the other crew, Jose you butthole who's just loving this xD.
I know this drama shit got you a bit laughing in joy at them, but calm yourself. [I know its fun and all..but.. >_>.]
Just let it go, it's no point in dealing with it.

Lets make things simple. Writing about one another is getting lame.. Bringing up the past and all that bs. God its the past. Stop it. You can continue on rants on each other, just don't go all crazy like a stick got stuck up your ass and make a huge e-drama out of it. If you wanna rant on about something, and want no problems, put your shit on privite. Or else, just be direct about your shit and tell the person, 'Hey I don't like you, go drop dead.' Cause really its so ghey. -.-;;

I know the same goes to myself. Though at this point, I don't really care about ya'll that much. Except ones close to me such as Jose, Manda, &Jack. [Shrugs.] Thats all for my little rant? o_o;;

PS. I really don't expect drama to storm my way from this entry. But if it does, I wont be surprised. -.-;

-Ruru-Chan [Aya.Sama;]

It's been awhile.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 23:35:21 GMT

Since the last time I've updated my livejournal. So I thought I might as well post. Life as it's going, its like even. Bad one moment, then good, then bad AGAIN. It's switching, non-stop. I'm trying to stand strong, cause If I fall, I know ima fall so deep that I'll eventually just run away. So what exactly is going on..? Welps; A good thing. Me and Leon made up and we're friends again. Jose had a talk with him, in which I have no idea what was said, but the moment I got back online, Leon IMed me and said we needed to talk. So we talked it out. What made me smile was when he said, 'lets rip up the old book and start a new one.' It really made me smile. I was really happy to start over as friends again with him. This time, I hope we'll be okay and no problems. Movining onwards.. I guess I've been feeling a bit down.. I've been feeling that way since last night. So this morning, I tried my best to be happy. Listening to happy music, got all crazy by fixing up my rl page. I like wiped out most of it and put new things. Since I was waiting for Jose to get on, I wanted him to smile at what I did. Since I had a few icon thingys that said stuff like 'I love my boyfriend.' I wonder if he would have thought it was cute. xD I'm such a loser.

So anyways.. Yeah I was pretty much done once Jose actually got online. WHOOPY. o_o;; [God I feel like a kid saying that just now haha..] So yus.. I told him to check it out and all, feeling like all proud of myself. I actually felt a bit happy, strangely. Then he told me something that kinda got me dumbstrucked. Somehow I was a tad bit surprised.. A bit hurt and bleh over it, but I know myself I have no right to be upset or anything about it. So I kinda tried to shrug it off you know? Though to be quite honest, it still hasn't really left my mind.. Kinda like its trying to drill its way inside me while I try to cover up the hole its making. x.x.. So haii whatever, It'll past by, eventually. I just have to pay no mind to it and pretend like he never even told me a thing. :D

Moving along, when he left for awhile, me and Zack went on Gaiaonline and went into the towns thingy. It was actually kinda funny. Us running around and stuff. Ran into his friend Cloud and we all was just playing around, it made me laugh and I felt better. I actually like ... didn't feel so bothered by anything at that time. But of course after I logged out, I felt bothered again. Well, I was just told today, I'm sure I'll get over it by tomorrow. ^_^;

-Ruru-Chan [Aya.sama;]

Jose came~

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 12:55:04 GMT

Last nights entry didn't get posted cause I lost connection. Therefore I'll post it up now.

-----------------------------Last Night. [Yesterday]

So.. I got all happy and jolly. Jose came with his friend Donny. Me and Nana went to go pick him up at Penn Station. We ran around everywhere wondering where they were. Then ran to the phone and started calling Donny like so many times. Funny thing was, it was a 30 sec call for 25 cents. I was like "WTF? ARE YOU SERIOUS!??" Spazzed as we used EVERY PHONE cause none went through. Finally got in and I tried to talk as fast as I could. Eventually found em. Well.. They found us as we ran around tryin' to find them. That was funny. So yeah, Then we went to get metro cards to go to CT. We spent some time tryin' to figure out HOW to get there from Penn Station. Okay so we got the metro cards, headed off to CT. Frist we went to the arcades, played some games and all that. Jose was a punk and didn't wanna play DDR. Although there was like NO ONE there. Loser. So yeah, Me and Nana end up playing ITG and DDR SuperNova. Later after that, went to get bubble tea. We started joking about balls for a good amount of time. Which was quite funny. We started heading to Nana's house shortly after we got the bubble tea at quicklys.

The train ride was long, not the mention we had to do a few walking after we got out the train as well. When we finally got to Nana's house, we chatted. Put on Smash bros.. I didn't get to play much, but during the time I did, Jose was kicking my ass as Donny stood there looking pretty with the character peach. He only attacked if we came at his way. Mainly it was me and Jose going at it, but as I said, I get beaten bad. xD Damn that blue bird Falco. [Shakes fists.] Anyhow. Donny and me somehow got into a pillow fight shittt thingy and he broke my thumb nail. lawl. It didn't hurt at first, it bend in pretty deep so before it hurted I ripped it off and threw it at him. LOL.. No my nail is still there, my nail is pretty long so like just the top part broke. Then I went to the bathroom to wash it some cause I was bleeding a bit. Thats when it started to sting and hurt some. Jose came over later to check on me. :3 Oh then soon arrived Kai and Annah. We got abused, all of us, by them. xD Moving on~

A few times me and Jose had our alone time. First in Nana's room, then the other room. Then back to Nana's room. Lawl. But get your minds out the gutter people we didn't do anything. O; We just talked some. Played around and talked shit and hit each other each time we did. Yeah we kissed. Obviously. xD <333 Everyone was all like, "USE THE BLACK LIGHT!!" That made me laugh. Anyways, we then went to play Super Monkey Ball 2. Once again, didnt play much. And later on played Uno. Earlier we recived a call.. But that is something dealing with Jose.. I was worried for him of course.. I felt it was my fault, although he kept telling me it wasn't and not to worry. He knows I would. I dont want him in trouble, and I didn't want even one day to go by without me getting to talk with him.. I was afriad for that, esp. Since tomorrow is our 4 months.. He told me not to worry though.. He knew he was going to get in trouble, even so, he just wanted to spend time with me.. Cause he promised me... Promised he'd be here... so he was.. That made me smile, and of course.. Being the cry baby self I was, I started to cry. Crying in his arms... It felt good.. I had someone's arm to be in.. The warmth feeling, I wont forget it. I continued to push him away.. I hated for him to see me cry.. But he continued to pull me to him, and hug me.. And .. It felt so comfortable.. Its been so long that I've been in his arms. And the fact I cried so many times alone.. It just.. made me so happy.

So because of the whole thing.. They had to leave. Though since they were already in trouble, they thought heck might as well kill some time. Either way there in for something.. So as Me and Nana brought them back to Penn Station, we went to eat. We joked around talked.. All that... Still worried.. As more and more time came by. I knew he had to go.. Soon.. Eventually yeah it happen. We walked them down to the train. Talked a bit, hugged and all with everyone. I kissed Jose goodbye. Donny took a picture of it. LAWL. xD Then they went into the train, and we followed them to where they sat. We wait outside from the window. Nana fooling around and me just laughing as I watched Donny and Jose sit there. eventually the train started to move. Me and Nana waved Goodbye. I stared at Jose and forced a smile. And I continued to wave for a bit. We walked slowly as the train left. I still glanced over till I couldn't see him no more.. Tears felt like they were going to brust out my eyes. I kept holding it back telling myself. 'Don't cry Lysa. DO NOT CRY. Hold it in. And just smiled. My body trembled as we continued to walk, I felt weak and wanted to just break down there. Like the whole world ended. Even though of course it wont be the last time I see him.. I just.. Missed him so much.. I realized that Jose still had my eyes. I forgot to take them from him so yeah, he went home with my keys haha.. he better take care of my keys, that butthole xD I told Nana that and we laughed about it.

Me and Nana then went home. On the train I dozed off listening to music.. Thinking about how our day was. It was so nice.. Being with him again. I felt so damn happy. But when he left, I felt like the saddest person on the world. Nana dropped me off home. I got home, talked to my dad a bit and my dad left. So im home alone at the moment.. I started to cry a bit.. When I IMed Kai, she told me how Jose went on Donnys phone msn and asked to call Nana to see if I got home yet. Then I brusted out crying.. Again.. Im breaking down, I feel so ..Sad.. I miss him so much, I feel as if I'll never see him again. Haha.. Heck im even crying right now.. God.. I miss him.. A lot.. So much it actually hurts. Even when we just saw each other like an hour ago.. I miss him so damn much..

I hope he got home safe.. I hope things dont get to hetic for him at home.. What made me more sad is I feel as if now his parents might not accept our relationship.. Whats wrost then having your own bf's parents dislike you? Heck.. My parents dont even know me and him are together. I'd get chopped up if they knew.. It sucks.. I want my parents to know so much.. But I can't.. Not now.. Not until its really time to bring it up and tell them. But.. Jose parents know about me, Im just afriad I wont be accepted you know? And it'll tear me apart. But as long as I have Jose's love.. I'm happy.. I honestly am. I'll wrap this entry up now,I think I left a few things out but.. I can't really think at the moment.. So lets end this with.. a few last words.

I love him, so much. We've been through so much shit, and we're still hanging in there. &Hopefully we'll always stay together. Whats pretty cool is our 7th month together, is my B-day~ Haha. <3 Love you Jose. Forever till the end.. <3~

Later that night----
After my connection went bye bye. I tried everywhere to get it to work and did not work at all.. So I got stressed. My mom came home and she drank. A little. I was like 'Can I join you?' and she said yeah. So I told her lets drink smirnoff. [sp?] So we did. She took half and I got the other half. USually that doest get me tipsy unless I drank at least 2 bottles. But strangely I felt a bit dizzy. So I went to rest, and I started crying again, eventually I drifted off to sleep. Meh..

TODAY--

Happy 4 months Jose. I love you. <33

-Ruru.chan [Aya.Sama;]

Cheaaa.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 04:45:24 GMT

Today was fun. I've been going out a bit more and my mom hasn't really got mad at me about it. Sooo Thats good. Me, Sarin and Nana [Her sister too] Went to China Townnn. We went to eat first. Then ARCADES BABY. I was on ITG most of the time. Lovely game. My sister so messed it up though. She was like 'HEY LAST SONG DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH MINES IN IT OKAY?" I agreed to it but when we tried thinking of a song, time was running out and she went random. &Guess what? It was on some CRAPPY song and it was only 5. I was hoping to get a lvl 8 or 9. But no. We got 5. I was like 'The fuck is this!? It's like a baby song. D:' I wanted to kill her for that. xD Moving along. These dudes were like enjoying themselves there playing the punching bag thingy. &like when me and my sister played for the 3rd time, this one just punched so loud it scared me and I messed up in ITG. Lawls. I tripped over. That was funny. xD Later we went to get bubble tea. That was GOOD. Mm. <3

Anyhow. Besides that. Stuff going on besides my outside life seem to settle down.. A bit.. Though my issue with Leon is done.. I feel like I lost ties with a few people.. The ones I was close with.. Not really much I can do about that. I guess I'm not much of a good person you know? It starts to show more and more as time passes by. Losing close one.. Gaining new ones.. I guess thats how life flows.. Though this was one person in the world I would never want to lose... I think.. we're on the same track.. Used to be on the same train and now im a little behind.. What can I do to fix it? I don't know. I feel like every step I take to try.. To get it back on track, it works then something I do slams it back down once again. I guess after that whole Issue with Leon got me so paranoid about losing ones I hold dear to my heart.. It's alright. I'm tired of whining. Although lots say its okay to depend on a friend to let things out and tell them. I feel I've done enough of that. I dont wanna be a bother anymore..

Well its been a long night. I think I need to rest up. I'm tired.. I was all hyper eariler then it got shot down. Cause I felt a bit shitty for my hyperness taking the wrong step with things and messed things up a bit. Meh.. Lets end this with a quoteee I foundddd.

"Your best friends are going to hurt you every once in a while, you must forgive them for that."

-Ruru-chan [Aya.Sama;]

YADDA YADDA YADDA.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:21:33 GMT

Alright. So things are finally back on track! I feel more happy. &The past few days I've been doing my own things letting it flow. Being myself. I had a few emo moments. Though I laughed as well. So it's really all good. As much as I hate to admit though. Life is back on track, I still feel as if im on the wrong train. I think this whole issue that occured had drifted me away from a few people. &Made me closer to a few others. I really didn't want that. &I really dont want to think that. Though as I said... My new thing now is letting things flow. Be myself. Someone once told me.. When I said that I felt bad cause yes i'm a confusing girl. I bitch a lot, whine, cry and all that crappy stuff. How could anyone want to stay my friend. But then she said..

"Whining and all that. Who cares. As annoying it can get, as painful it can be, a REAL friend sticks by you even if it kills them."

I know I've been throwing a fit recently. Seeming more cold towards others. Keeping things to myself and get all bleh. I guess I've been scared of losing people who are dear and close to me. But.. from this recent problem. I realized that being that way wont get me anywhere. Real friends stick around. All I have to do is be myself. I dont care if you'll hate me. But.. "I rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I'm not." To be honest. Things are actually back to normal now. So I'm really really glad. I couldn't be any happier. :3

I'll end this entry with one thing. To one person.

Thank you.

I'm not saying who it's to. You should know who you are. If you don't.. Well.. haha I'm sorry I can't say. xD

Thats all for now humansss. <333

-Ruru-chan [Aya.sama;]